Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
