The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
