my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
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Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
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My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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