my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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