My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
