every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
