we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
