I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
