you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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