last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
