hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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