the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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