Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
