So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Couch. On fire.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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