Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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