Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
