Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
