I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
