good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
