I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
