We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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