The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
