Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
