good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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