would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
