She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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