I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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