So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
