I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!