yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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