How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
