i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
