when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize
