So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
