my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
