the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
