My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
