my phone needs a breathalizer
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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