I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
