If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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