Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
