I need help removing her.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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