He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
