areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out