How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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