I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
