I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
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i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
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It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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