I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
