omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just want to make out with him forever
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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