i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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