My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
