if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
