The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
