I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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