What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
